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by Pyralid; originally posted in the LiveJournal glamourbombs community here

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Save Our Endangered Pixies!

About Pixies
Pixies, fairies, and their various sub-species of imps, gnomes, elves, brownies, hob-goblins, seelies, ogres, nymphs, sprites, and leprechauns, are native to most of the world. They range in size from thumb length to approximately five feet six, and are distinguishable by several prominent features, including playful giggles, pointed toes, and—in the majority of species—some sort of wings. Their habitats range from meadows and lightly wooded areas to street corners and sidewalk cafes. Pixies can live on anything from soap bubbles to cigarettes and strong coffee, depending on their type, but most tend to keep a diet of dandelions and daydreams. Pixies are generally difficult to spot in the wild, but many scientist and folklorists have observed and recorded their activity in great detail, so that by the nineteenth century the habits and customs of the pixie-folk were relatively well-documented.

Pixies in Crisis
Yet even as humans learned more about the elusive pixie, the last century has seen these creatures’ numbers dwindle dramatically. Specialists attribute the decrease in pixie population to a number of factors, including global warming, the unchecked growth of capitalism, and a decrease in the use of illegal hallucinogens over the past thirty years. However, the most common cause of pixie die-off is the startling decrease in collective imagination that our century has witnessed. As a creature that thrives in environments that are fertile in eccentricity, many pixie populations are tragically no more, lost forever to a world of corner Starbuckses and high-school art classes. What remaining populations there are often fight daily for survival in the unfavorable conditions caused by unbelief.

What You Can Do
It’s not too late to save our pixies! Most scientists agree that though much of the damage is irreversible, the best thing that humans can do at this point is to offer up simple faith. There are easy ways to save pixie lives. Clapping Boisterously Resuscitation (CBR) has been proven as the most effective means of revitalizing pixies and fairies that have become weakened due to disbelief. CBR is a procedure that takes little to no training, and can be preformed in any setting or situation (though it has been shown to have a higher success rate if you make yourself look ridiculous while practicing). To perform CBR, simply loudly and boisterously clap your hands together, preferably while shouting “I believe in fairies!” at the top of your lungs. Other steps toward pixie revitalization and survival include dreaming nightly and dancing like nobody’s watching, but these are dangerously fun, and should usually only be preformed by advanced faeologists, or in a very real and potentially boring emergency.

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Unicorns Are People Too!

About Unicorns
Native to Northern Europe and the United Kingdom, Unicorns were brought with the first colonists to the new world. Soon, wild groups of the beast established themselves along the eastern coast of the United States and into the Midwest. Unicorn herds have been found living as far west as the Rocky Mountains, and tend to keep to cool, moonlit regions that get heavy snowfall. Today, the American Unicorn is distinguishable from its European cousin by a slightly larger build, and the brightly-hued “rainbow” patterns of the mane and tail (the European Unicorn is pure white). Unicorns are grazing animals, though traditionally finicky in what they choose to eat. They prefer well-tended flower gardens as their main sustenance, and are known to have an eye for landscaping (some unicorn herds will develop a slightly eccentric taste, going for yards that are heavily decorated with plastic flamingos, but this phenomenon is rare and generally attributed to the fact that many unicorns are hopelessly nearsighted.)

The Trouble with Unicorns
Those who track the migratory patterns of the unicorns have noticed a depletion in numbers over the past ten years. Great controversy has arisen among the folklorist community over the cause of this fall in population among American Unicorn herds. One common theory holds that unicorn sightings are becoming rare as the amount of promiscuous sex among the general population rises. Traditionally shy to all but virgin women, some scientists believe that unicorns may be simply hiding, unwilling to draw attention to themselves among the modern, sexually-revolutionized populace. However, controlled studies conducted over the past few years have produced consistent evidence that unicorns are not put off by the sexually experienced (as for some scientists, well, that's a different issue). Indeed, masturbatory practices have been shown to hold a special appeal to many unicorns, who are quick to seek out the company of a person who has just had themselves a fantastic time dialing the old rotary. What, then, is causing this alarming disappearance? Some scientists believe that the simplest answer is that these highly sensitive animals are becoming aware that the world is growing old. Perhaps it is the lack of flower gardens, or the fact that you’d be hard-pressed to find a decent fairy palace in the middle of Ohio, but many unicorns have given up on the fields of this postmodern world and wandered into the ever-green realms of fantasy. Most folklorists agree that, while this great migration may be beneficial to the unicorn, it is highly regrettable in the fact that many of us cannot follow.

The unicorn situation is far from resolved. Respect your fellow unicorns—show them that we don’t want them gone!

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